i'm stupid

[Mood: - ]

Let the sun shine it
Winners smile
Losers frown





all my fault. guess he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

_i'm stupid_

SKINNY DIPPING.

SKINNY DIPPING
SKINNY DIPPING
SKINNY DIPPING

WANT TO BE FREE

BLEAH. TIRED.

280505 Saturday

[Mood: Sleepy]

So lazy right now. Felt like skinny dipping. With the dolphins, with the sea foam. Suddenly missing myself so much. I've been so into others and all the school shit that I've mistreated myself. I miss pampering myself with bath salts and everything vain; not that i'm a materialistic biotch.

For the past few hours I've been trying to sleep but yea, failed. I wonder what's wrong with me - stabbing everyone out from my list, drowning myself in liquid shots, bathing a million times till my hair got dry from all the shampooing and scrubbing, stuffing chocolates in my dry mouth, throwing stuffed cows at dad's birds, crying and laughing at don't know what.

I'm questioning my own worth, wondering what's God's plans for me. Dawned on me I'm really stupid. Guess I need someone to reassure me... Well, nevermind. Nobody deserves to be miserable.

Tell me.
Tell me it's okay to be stupid.





_everybody's asleep now. i miss everyone._

jealousy

[Mood: Bored]

Nothing matters more than me believing.
Autopsy.

It derailed me off my tracks on my way to believing that one day I would be like her. It's just what we would call 'envy'. It's pathetic how one would go crazy over another just because one wants to be equally capable. Yes, competence exist even in churches. My class is an example, you may want to point it out.

I actually got jealous over HER. Joke of the year! What an irony.

In denial.




_moo you to death_

230505

[Mood: Tired]

Hell, I'm tired yet I can't sleep, so now I'm trying to wear myself out by burning into the computer. It's supposedly 22nd May, but yea it's 2plus right now. Anyways, tracing back to the 'Joseph and his fellow bros' thing led by Ida "today" in church reflected in our current day context.

Joseph was sold to Egypt by his brothers for the fact that their father showed favouritism towards him (His dad quite dumb,lar, by giving him the technicolor coat. He's obviously being bias!) and they were all jealous and stuff (recollecting that Joseph told his brothers about those dreams of them bowing to him - which came true years later, also he's a detestful "spy" within the family, and with the fact that he's dad's favourite). (I'll skip the middle part) Eventually, he got this really high status his brothers have to bow to him. With such great power he could have killed them all saying: "You bastards! Sell me off?! With those few coins some more! Go and die you pitiful rats! I'm seeking revenge now! MUAHAHAHA." But instead of chopping off their heads, he did something we should all learn - To forgive.

We sometimes build up resentment towards our siblings or buddies, thinking: "What the hell is WRONG with her?! Can't she stop being so perfect for ONCE?! She's got the looks, the perfect boyfriend, straight As in EVERYTHING, even competing me in my favourite subject, head prefect, section leader in school band, and SO FRIGGING POPULAR." And we start making life difficult for them. As the rivalry and jealousy slowly build up to become a wall of resentment, it becomes so deep we often end up hating the one we love.

Lesson learnt - Stop being annoying like Joseph.

Joke I found in Friendster -

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to
her 5 year old son playing with his new electric
train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All
of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off
now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you
sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses
in the train cause we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, " We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now,
I want you to go to your room and you are to stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you
may play with your train...but I want you to use
nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you and hope your
trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with
us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..." for those of
you just boarding, remember there is no smoking
in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child
added, "For those of you who are pissed off about
the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."






_beautiful stranger_

180505 Wednesday

[Mood: Feeling Stupid]

This' one of those stupid days when you expect a day full of work, but it turns out that you have so much time to waste. I would have brought my book 'memoirs of a geisha' if only I'm not using that tiny La Salle bag the Chinese girls suggested bringing together, and the fact that I thought the day would be packed. Wasted so much time eating shit.

Bought this gorgeous S&K (short for Samuel&Kevin) pink handbag today. It's made from polyester, and the material's really hmmph!* to the touch.
Speaking of bags, it rem' me of the orange handy bag (yes, note it's my favourite colour!) darla gave me the other day. Aww. Really sweet.

Mum and dad can't stop annoying me right from the moment I step home. Scenes:
one - Took off my school shoes and ready to go upstairs when mum shout "Joanna! I need colour for the tee design! Dateline's this Sunday! Quick!"
two - Sat on the sofa watching TV when mum interrupt - again "Come home first thing you do is not to watch TV! Go eat!"
three - Dad came back from work. Mum commanded me "Get a drink for your dad!" Man, can't she see I'm busy?
four - Was in my room packing my closet when dad came in and shoved stuff to me "Joanna. Go down and put these in the kitchen." Why can't he ask Jeremy and Joshua who were playing the DAMN COMPUTER?
five - Locked my bedroom's door and was ready to change into shorts when dad CAN'T STOP TWISTING THE DOORKNOB. LIKE HELLO? WHAT'S HIS BLOODY PROBLEM? CAN'T HE KNOCK AND SAY SOMETHING? AND HELL, THE DOOR'S LOCK, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, AND THERE'S NO FRIGGING WAY TO OPEN IT BY TWISTING THE KNOB NON STOP. When I finally flung open the door, the first thing he say to me "Don't show me attitude. Why did you lock the door?" CRAZY MAN.
six - Mum misplaced the sketch I drew for her tee design and COMPLAINED to me "How? How? Help me re-draw" ANOTHER CRAZY PERSON.

I am not pleased. At all.

dear. // massages* You must be really tired from the day's work! Poor thing.

darling pig. // Don't be angry with them anymore, okay? :)







_pesticides. parenticides._

160505 Monday

[Mood: Great]

Mdm Faz brought the art students to La Salle today. It was quite boring actually - the art pieces were like "inunderstanable". Guess I can't appreciate. But still, it's fun with Manda being crazy and all.

Manda's over at my place right now. We're supposed to be doing our last minute prep (which was to be handed up tomorrow), but we ended up in a laughing fit, listening to cow songs and addicted to it. Adding to our madness was the foul smell - Manda's chewing preserved mango. STINK.

WEE. So looking forward to tomorrow - The art students will be carrying the same La Salle bag tomorrow. s.t.y.l.e hee.

manda. // Enjoy your time on the phone with ahems* ! :D

jer. // Heard you've got your hair cut - to that jap hairstyle right? Bleah! Can't wait to see it!

sarah. // Gosh. Miss you girl like crazy.

bro CC. // I promise I'll turn up tomorrow, lahs. HEE.

nd. // I know I didn't keep up to my promise. It's just not the same in the first place, you know.

jj. // Girls are not havoc! We're really gentle people. :)))








_dont eat beef_

130505 Friday

[Mood: Sick]

Things just don't fall into place the way you want them to be. An irony, maybe. Hate the way things work out. And my life? It's nothing but a corny joke. Life seems colourful sometimes, but colours are just illusionary - It has always been an old black and white film running without sound.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not depressed or anything. Just hate life sometimes. Mayne, yes life's unfair.










_blackjack_

110505 Wednesday (2)

[Mood: Bad]

Why did she lie to me? Why is everybody lying to me? It's all a lie. Stupid conspiracy. And there's nothing to be happy about.

Assholes.







So what if I'm happy. Now I'm not. It spoils everything.
Nobody made me smile.
Everyone's just putting up a show.
EVERYONE BLAMED ME FOR NOT BELIEVING THEM.
HOW TO
HOW TO WHEN THEY KEEP EVERYTHING FROM ME
THEY TOLD ME STUFF TO MAKE ME SMILE
BUT WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST TELL ME
TELL ME
FULL OF BULLSHIT
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A WHITE LIE.
I HATE EVERYBODY.


hais. And I don't think he wants to talk to me. :(



_tired_

110505 Wednesday

[Mood: Elated]

I am sooooooo happy...

...and I don't know why.
Probably 'cos tomorrow's Art paper? chirps*

dances around with a pot over her head! @%$#%#^ Mid years' ending and time for p.l.a.y. before Chinese Os is coming. HA LEH LOO YAR.*

The Chemistry paper today was relatively fine compared to its paper1 (which was the MCQ). However, MT Listening was quite horrid - the answers were so identical I couldn't tell them apart. The reader read:
"blar blar blar is just like tilitilitata which was also known as fifafofum, which people called as dingdingdongdong"

Question was:
"What is blar blar blar?"

Arghs. Was so stumped.
Still, it was a nice day - everything deserves a celebration despite me still having the bad eye(s). Well as you can see, it was still red and bulgy and hurting - yes, and... weird (like Frodo the hobbit little frog). It wasn't that bad, lar - at least there's still some vision (calculating my blurred left eye didn't disrupt anything). Had to wear my glasses though; as what xiang said, I looked like a nerd (with my hair totally clipped up during examination time).

Joanna the nerdy Hobbit. GEE.

eve. // If you're happy and you know, clap your hands. *piaks piaks*

kianwee MONSTER. // eee you algae. Stay away. disgusted*

mayne. // Yes, I'm sure it's with me. ((:








_when the three words turn out to be 'wtf'. LOL._

100505 Tuesday

[Mood: Bored]

Aww now I look like Frodo (or Frolo Froggo Froggie Fodo... whatever you call that Lord Of The Ring dweep). Went to the doctor's today and sadly it's a lady (haha! just kidding, lar). She gave me some eye scan and hell, was it blinding! I was blurred initially but my eye regained its vision back soon after. She prescribed me some eye drop and eye ointment which looks like toothpaste. HAHA.

"If your problem still persist, check out with the hospital instead. You could go blind."

I could go blind. She's scaring a poor patient like me. But...
I'm getting better, no worries.

Chemistry paper2 and Mother Tongue listening tomorrow. Oh man, got to study already. I've spent too much time at the doctor's.







_joanna is a frodo-and-cow-look-alike_

cont'd

Boo. It's eleven plus right now and my eye is still freaky - red and bulgy and UGLY. Yes, very very ugly - like some character from lord of the rings. In fact, my left eye seems to get it too. DAMN. It hurts - alot. Can't keep it open.

I'M GOING TO BE BLIND!

WAAAWAAAWAAA.

090505 Monday

[Mood: Tired. Chirpy. Hungry]

Woke up this morning with a cursed right eye. It was all watery and dry at the same time, despumating all the damn impurities of the eye. Eewl. It was blood shot and very bulgy, as if it was punched and sucked and poked at the same moment. In all, it was horrid. Mum told me it was a sign of tiredness - I'm always (spell that) tired, though I don't lack sleeping time. Went for my papers with that damn eye anyway.
"Oh Joanna! What happen to your eye?"
"Someone punched you?!"
"Oh darling darling Joanna, what actually happen? You'll be fine, don't cry or your eyes will bulge out"
and from ms Fern, "Oh no! Are you OK? Need to go home?"
Yes, indeed. BLAR, and I don't like my school's regimentation. Boo.

Evoke. MUAHAHAS.

Something's wrong with my cell. Can't switch it on. The sun must've heated it. =X

mayne. // Don't laugh and drink at the same time! psst psst!

HQ. // Sorry I yelled at you.

everyone. // My cell's dead. Call my house tonight if you need to get to me (I'll be napping in the afternoon so don't bother me. Thank you.)










_dashing man with the walrus moustache - Einstein_

080505 Sunday_Mothers' Day dedication

[Mood: Tired]

If you happen to be a RD fan just like me and own the April 2005 issue, flip to page 114. It was almost upsetting. 'Escape from Slavery' by Francis Bok with Edward Tivian.

_______________________________

The performance the youths had with the kids was awesome, as said by the adults. We were all feeling great and expecting compliments - Though we were quite unsure of certain stuff... We managed to keep up a good performance anyways. So to all mothers out there,

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY

Aww, and I especially love this verse quoted from the Bible.
Ezek 16:44 "'Everyone who quotes proverbs will quote this proverb about you: "Like mother, like daughter."

Anyways this post is dedicated to mommy. I remember you always saying this to the three of us, Jeremy, Joshua and I when we were little.

Always change your underwear; you never know when you'll have an accident.
Don't make that face or it'll freeze in that position.
What if everyone eat poo? Will you do it, too?
Don't put that in your mouth; you don't know where it's been!
Jeremy, stop bullying your sister.
Joanna, you've got exams and you're still watching TV?
Joshua, you buay si tiam leh! Sit down properly!

Oh, and "Joanna, I can never step into your room! It's like a pig sty!"








_mommy, i love you_

060505 Friday

[Mood: Upset]

Sat right beside the fan - which was blasting at me. My hair was plastered all over my face despite the many clips I've clipped, my dictionary was flipping violently, my papers were on the verge of flying two tables East, and my pen was rolling to and fro the table creating annoying taps. I couldn't concentrate; to think I thought having my examination at the hall would be a pleasant experience. Hated it.

To my ex EST mates, I'm sorry to make you people worry. I'd appreciate if you people stop asking. Thank you.

Lianshun // I don't know if you're reading this, but thanks for the note. It gave me lots of encouragement. :)

Cassandra // Thanks for not asking in front of Andrew and Co. I won't do it again. I remembered the other day I was telling you not to worry, I'll be fine. Well, this isn't a guarantee I can make, but I'll try to keep it. Cas, I'm sorry but I don't want to answer your question - Guess it's better this way. Oh, and Exodusies love you.








Won't be popping pills anymore.
I don't want to be suicidal.
I want to live.
_________________________________

I don't want to lie to you.
But I don't want you to know.
To know how I am feeling.
For I am upset.



_today doesn't want me to be happy_








pills no more.

020505 Monday

[Mood: Feeling Dumb]

We played different roles in different parts of our lives. For instance, my mother played a mother of three children, a wife of my dad, teacher of her piano students, leader of a fellowship, daughter of my grandparents, aunt of my cousins, sister of my aunts and uncles, friend of her buddies, mentor of a mentally ill lady, sponsor of a Thai child, student of her teachers, and a role model of her daughter. I'm sure there are more roles she played in.

When we talk about complications, how can we compare ourselves to those who have more roles than us?









I'm actually dumb enough to belief everything she told me. To think she was a good friend. Hypocricy.








I'm green.

_it always started out good but eventually..._

300405 Saturday

[Mood: Dumb]


Damn this blogogo. Everytime I click 'enter', it leaves 2 lines instead of the usual 1. Like this.


SEE!


Like this. Annoying.


And I have to type


LIKE


THIS.


Anyways, I'm tired. Really. But I just can't fall asleep. Sickening!


___________________________________


How I've presented to you isn't what I really am.


Empty theatre running with cold air, with the two dancers dancing across the stage. The leotards, cleopatra makeup, the tiara, the shoes. Ah, the pointed toes and the vibrant smiles. It's beautiful, people would applaud, How amazing. However, what's behind the curtains are things you'd never see.


Beautiful masks. Ugly people.


["mama"] Grandma, you have the prettiest smile ever. Happy Birthday.


[the four musketeers] Black-ed, messy, witty, and very dirty we are! Love you cousins. ((:







_condemned_