Crazy
Just as I'm typing this in the office right now, I'm feeling a little blue. Just like how it's been raining everyday, further emphasizing my dull days.
God has been nice to me - A fair share of sweet games, of good life, blissful work. And in exchange, gave me some tough choices to make. And here is something I'm gonna announce to the world, but like anyone is reading this anymore --
Derrick and I, we broke up.
I said it. I did. I asked for it. 4.5 years of sweetness, now just some bittersweet memory. Let me explain, this is not some premature breakup like an impulsive one, more like a decisive moment. Courage, one would say, to make such a bold move. "I must be crazy", I tell myself that everyday. Family and friends were scolding me. Not many understood; and it's not like I owe them an explanation, so I guess that's okay.
They gave many conclusions to that - That I had a third wheel or that I don't love him anymore.
I don't even know how to explain myself. I don't think I have much reason for this breakup. Say that I felt emotionally detached? That he's not the one? That I'm jaded? That I needed a change? Needed more freedom? And that I want to draw myself closer to God? I don't know. They all sound like excuses. That pissed everyone off. No legit reason, you see.
I don't know, maybe they really are excuses. I don't even know what's gotten into me. Why am I acting like this?
It all happened one day when everyone was talking about marriage proposals. And then that sudden fear just surged into me. What if I waited till I'm 30 for him to ask my hand in marriage. What am I going to say? That fear. So I'm gonna wait 7 more years and realize that my youth is gone and maybe he's not the one?
I'm a bitch for saying this. Selfish, irresponsible, hurtful bitch. But I only have one life. And that fear drew me out of this game.
Just felt I needed this. Needed to draw myself away. I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, or what I'm gonna expect. I prayed every night about this for a year, and this is my conclusion.
So guys, here's my announcement to you, and a little fraction of my thoughts. But I'm not asking any of you to understand. I don't even understand myself.
I think I'm going crazy. I think I'm really crazy.