I SHOULD HAVE

[Mood: BAD BAD BAD ]

Brother I hope you understand what's going on around you. You're already 13, time to kick off your bed covers. You know, we all know, you depended on us to get you thus far. Would you even get into secondary school without mummy crying almost everytime and stress herself out for you?

Why can't you understand? Why can't you get out from your stupid shelter? Why can't you see WE HAVE THINGS TO DO. You can't just hog on to the computer forever. I don't understand why you never get mature, why you don't have to do the dishes, why you don't have to clean the house. Why do I have to clean Jojo's poo when you're playing your stupid game on the computer EVEN WHEN MUMMY ASKED YOU TO. Why must everybody go with YOUR DAMN IDIOTIC wishes?

You know I have to type out the minutes and stuff on the computer, why do you refuse to let go of the stupid mouse? Why can't you understand? Why must you make mummy so angry that she wanted to hammer down this stupid screen?

I know you hated us. You hated us for controlling you. You once said that we don't understand. But do you even understand us? MAPLE IS JUST ONE DAMN GAME. You know I love you and I hope you can just grow up and stop making mummy cry.

I should be lying in the coffin now.



_not happy at all_

I hate all of you! Why doesn't anyone appreciate me? I'm sick of being treated like trash. Maybe I shouldn't hang on to anything anymore. I'm tired tired tired, and it doesn't help to try. I should've locked myself in my room the other day. I should've just let God take me away. I'M PLAIN STUPID.

281105 Monday

[Mood: Afraid]

Dear Lord

I did something bad to myself few days ago. It wasn't my fault, Lord, neither was it anybody's. Things just get so bad, so bad and I thought this would be the best for me. But Lord, I think I just stabbed myself even more this time.

I want to be strong, Lord. But before I could get over one thing, another comes along.

The doctor shook his head and I don't know what it meant. Popsicles didn't smile, nor did they cry. That's what happened to poor little cas too. Her mummy told me cas had a ball stucked in her brain and it had to be taken out. I remember the doctors didn't even give her more than three months to live - there was a malignant brain tumor causing her to lose sight.

And today Lord, I overheard what mummy said to daddy. She called me 'that daughter of yours' and 'that girl'.

What have I done wrong. Why must people be so mean?




Like what I've said to Eve, maybe, just maybe, forever does exist - it's just that we don't see it yet.

p.s. Lord, You know I haven't stopped trying.



_maybe I was selfish_

Does he still love me? Should I stall or move on?

271105 Sunday

[Mood: - ]

Rica called and talked to me about parting and deaths and all. I was like, what's your point, man? Then she said something that freaked me out - "I broke up with my girlfriend!" What the hell? So she's a lesbian this whole damn while and I'm trying to make a fool out of lesbonic behaviours? Anyways she wanted to hook me up to some blind date - WITH A GIRL. She's really freaky, and I take back my words about her being hot and all.

I am straight although I look at girls.

The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson




_I am capable_

I feel empty!

I wanted to spend this Christmas with somebody but guess not anymore. Guess I'll just go to some Christmas party and drink vodka whatever shit they've got there.

If I knew...
I would listen more carefully to what my heart says.
I would know that it probably won't; but that something will come along.
I wouldn't be afraid of acting like a kid.

261105 Saturday

[Mood: - ]

I noticed all the pretty girls around me and I think I don't stand a chance. Aww. Wells tomorrow's a Sunday. I don't know, I want to stay at home; people stink.

Today I stand alone at the 6th storey.



_dreams_

Will we ever be like before? Will I ever hold your hands again?

Emptiness' the only thing I feel.
Air's the only thing I touch.
Myself is the only thing I cry for.

Orchard didn't make things better.
For time to reverse is just a dream, a dream that you got to wake up from.

I don't know what future installs for me. I really don't know and uncertainty makes me scared. I don't know what I'm worried about. I don't know what I'm crying for. I don't know why I just feel alone even when I have great people around me.

I'm scared, I'm really scared; but I know I don't have anybody to hug me and say everything's fine anymore. That's the path I chose - the path to stand alone.

break up

[Mood: - ]

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead; with the grace of a woman, not the griefs of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure - you really are strong. You really do have worth. And you learn, and you learn. With every good-bye, you learn.



_thereafter_

Why didn't you pull me back when I opened the door.
If we meet again, will time reverse itself?

animal society

This post is dedicated to all gay people people who eats M&Ms.

If you want to advocate for animal society (e.g. SPCA, amanda's something bla bla bla) and all those protect-the-beasts nincompoops, message me at spirit89@kuririnmail.com.

Please include your self picture - with (preferrably) or without your already-existent slogan, your current role as an advocator and your current participation in any of the animal society programmes. Oh and yes, leave your reply address and your full name, along with your status - dude or dudette.

Thanks and have a nice day ;)

xoxo
Jo.

p.s. rica won't like this, lol.

241105 Thursday

[Mood: Good]

Yesterday was bad - at first. We were desperate looking for ADULTS. Yes, to help us get in to the stupid room. Reasons?
6.We are underaged young people and only oldER people are allowed to sign in.
5.Found a suitable woman to help us - but we realised we can only sign in at ONE. arr, it was 11 then. So, yes, there goes our lucky chance.
4.Swam while keeping a lookout for suitable people and my suit KEEPS GOING OUT OF PLACE. I was like, damned?
3.It was a nice pool until some nutters came splashing their asses off, causing waves. Destruction of peace.
2.At 12 something, we got up, bathed, changed and went for adult-hunt. Wells wells, ended up being slumped to the benches in desperation.
1.THE IDIOTIC PURPLE MAN WANTED TO CALL OUR PARENTS. HE THOUGHT WE'RE SOME ILLEGAL PIEHEADED KUKU DOLL.

Aha! Here comes the turning point:
10.Spotted Janice and her guy! Well she's definitely over 18 (20 something I think).
9.She did us a favour by signing in!!!
8.We signed in
7.Yes, we signed in. And then.
6.Forget it, we did stuff :)
5.Correction, GREAT stuff!
4.Although we didn't get to tan that day (the weather was like, sorry-dudes-no-UV-rays-today kind of thing), the sun was great the day after (which was today).
3.And yes, we got a tan (wasn't satisfied though).
2.Caught 'Noel' after that!
1.Finished half of RD November issue :D

Note:
5.The man in purple suckmyass is birdbrained!
4.The dude at the Luge counter wanted attention, I could tell.
3.Luge staffs are flirty -_- and had a good memory span.
2.'Xin' maggie mee's really good ;) I had it for breakfast and dinner during my stay, haha!
1.Eve is stupid. LOL. No denies 'bout it.

Updates:
3.300th day!
2.Daddy came back from Israel.
1.My finger lost weight. LOL.



_last night I was smiling myself to sleep_

300th day! YAY. He said he promise (hehe, there's hope for me to hang on)! I wasn't expecting that and was quite elated and stuff. I'm not sure about the apologies though.

231105 Tuesday

[Mood: I don't know]

I'll be tanning at Sentosa tomorrow - or rather, later; and I realised that I haven't got the facial suntan cream @_@

And! Harry Potter's not bad ;) Saw Andy (ex classmate from PeiHwa) and wow, he's so so so much different - slim, tanned and all. Haha. Oh and he's pretty good in soccer, basketball, swimming... and cooking. lols.

AND AND AND! RICA'S HOT! SHE'S SUCH A BABE. I'M IN LOVE WITH HER. Wells I better not talk so much to her (I tend to smile alot at her I realise) - she'd think I'm FLIRTING with her. Lols.




Today Tomorrow could be the best day of my life.




_my fourth finger_

One day I'll get married to my prince charming and have loads of kids :) We'll then go travelling together and live in a cosy 6-room apartment with our own posh garden and jacuzzi. My prince charming and I will then drink champagne while lazing around in the pool, and after that we'll lie in bed watching soap operas (Korean ones are much preferred). Well if it's still early I'll read RD and then my prince charming will hug me to sleep. The following day I'll make breakfast for the family - Sunshine eggs, toasted bread and chicken ham sausages! My prince charming will then send the kids to school and thereafter send me to work. Evening time I'll fetch the kids from school. After guiding them with their schoolwork and cooking dinner, we'll wait for daddy to come back home.

Dream life dream life :) It's nice to have dreams.

211105 Monday

[Mood: Bad]

After this week things will be so different.



_it's okay_

I didn't cry today :)

201105 Sunday

[Mood: - ]

Firstly I'm an expertise - in jumping! TWO METRES OKAY.

Singing, oh, my love

please don't cry

I'll wash my bloody hands

and we'll start a new life

I don't know much at all

I don't know wrong from right

All I know is that I love you tonight

Timothy shared something with me this morning - To cease all worries, we should submit our life to God.

Boo, I've been struggling with fact and fiction - Am truly smiling or is it that I'm being a frigging hypocrite trying to achieve that Barbie doll megawatt smile; it all leads back to me stripping myself off my status. I've tried forgetting about those trespasses but the more I try the more it backfires on me.

I promised people (yes, you know who you are) to be strong and all that crap but when it comes to THE THING, all promises just slipped off. Nobody can make me upset except myself. *oh really?* Well so much for thinking; you know, I could ACTUALLY just like, heck it or something WHAT but... Bla bla bla, I don't know where I'm heading to, haha. Should I notdoanythingrightnow or should I actasifnothinghappenedATALL or should I talkboutitandendupcrying/ enduplaughing/ endupspeechless/ endupfeelinglikeanidiot?

I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!
*scratches the sadduccees (how do you spell that? lol.)*




_off to 12.30 service_

Sick of living the life I'm living right now. Time for a change - No more tears every single assholic night, no more fetish for white chocolate, no more late night baths, no more paper planes, no more swearing, no more cursing, and of course... no more waiting. It's STUPID to sit in front of the phone WAITING WAITING WAITING. Time to throw the stupid gadget away and DO SOMETHING - with or without substance.

191105 Saturday

[Mood: I don't know ]

Psst! I've got a party dress from Topshop for my prom. Details' that it's black, knee-length, with cm thick straps and silver lining :) IT'S DAMN CHEAP OKAY. And there are freebies going along with the purchase - black tote bag, detailed bangle made in India from UK worth UK12, and a $10-valued card reedeemer! Wow isn't it?

Haha, and for the past year I've been living in self-denial. Initially I thought my worth was that low but guess it's kind of high now - at least I do my part. They asked if I have understood women's sentiments and their own worths. I told them no, but guess I do now :) Men wait, women don't.

I should've known - There's no room for me.



_pride and prejudice_

I wanted to talk but candy's too busy
:(

191105 Saturday

[Mood: I don't know ]

Psst! I've got a party dress from Topshop for my prom. Details' that it's black, knee-length, with cm thick straps and silver lining :) IT'S DAMN CHEAP OKAY. And there are freebies going along with the purchase - black tote bag, detailed bangle made in India from UK worth UK12, and a $10-valued card reedeemer! Wow isn't it?

Haha, and for the past year I've been living in self-denial. Initially I thought my worth was that low but guess it's kind of high now - at least I do my part. They asked if I have understood women's sentiments and their own worths. I told them no, but guess I do now :) Men wait, women don't.

I should've known - There's no room for me.



_pride and prejudice_

I wanted to talk but candy's too busy
:(

181105 Friday

[Mood: -]

They say sunshine after the rain. Well I'm really looking forward to it; but why doesn't the rain stop?



_pointless_

Guess that's the retribution I receive.

161105 Wednesday

[Mood: Bad]

Wanted to burn the box today but... Arr! What will you do when something hit your Jojoba's window and touched your nerve? Would you tear up whatever "linkages", be it photos or letters or anything, and flush them down the pee bowl? WELL. I almost did that!



Letting things go is what I've learnt this year.

_firefly come back to me_

131105 Sunday

[Mood: - ]

Eve made me swallow my shallow thoughts today. Sort of an enlightenment personally. Like what God said - Count your blessings, not your woes.

I <3 ME!




我现在才知道幸福是暂时的.

I'm hanging on to a tree branch; please don't let it break.




_i love you_

Good Morning!

http://ivorished-candleflicker.blogspot.com/

Good morning dear God!
Good morning piggy!
Good morning darlings!
Good morning dear!
Good morning stephanie!
Good morning eggs!

And.

Good morning13 november 2005!

we're breaking up?

[Mood: Anticipation]

Few more papers to go before that looooonnnngggg holiday. I'll be getting a job :)





_there goes my dream_



WHY?! why does everything keeps backfiring on me? must be my fault :( i'm a failure.