Unforgivingness is the elixir of the wounded heart; a bewitching balm that only appears to soothe our pain. But in truth—it is a deadly poison that corrodes the vessel containing it from the inside out.
As long as this unforgiving chain exists, there will always be something or someone to give it a tug that will pull you back to revisit once again every horrible thing that has happened to you; to help you reclaim over and over your victim status and be swallowed up in anger or bitterness or self-pity. This is the power of unforgiveness.
It is the highest form of slavery holding you under the power of your offender and causing you to relive over and over again the abuse, the words, the pain, the rejection. It causes us to withdraw from others and build a wall around us in an effort to protect ourselves from further hurt and disappointment.
It's an evil cycle --
First we start to bury our feelings. Things that are buried are forgotten. And things that are forgotten are never dealt with. People will go to great lengths to suppress their hurt or cover it up. It is sometimes easier to deny feelings than to face or deal with the pain. The thought of confrontation may be terrifying because it usually means experiencing more conflict, more rejection, and more disappointment. Keeping silent, and withholding forgiveness can be an agonizing experiencing.
King David expressed it this way, “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.” (Psalm 32:3-4)
Then silently by ourselves we start to plot our revenge, either outrightly or in stealth. We start to act on our bad feelings. The instinct for revenge can be so powerful that we make the wrong choice to return evil for evil.
But we will never get satisfied out of our little acts of revenge. Soon we start to build walls around us. We begin to withdraw from others in an effort to protect ourselves from further hurt and disappointment. Walls of hardness go up to prevent anyone from getting close enough to see our vulnerability. These walls can become so thick there is no opening in our heart to allow us to give or receive love.
And then behind our thick walls, we start to identify ourselves as victims. And this spawns feelings of fragility and an inability to cope. Our emotions become like an “eggshell” so that the very least offence will crush us and cause us to retreat into ourselves, or to react explosively.
We can never get out of it. We start to revisit the offense again and again. When offences are buried or hidden in the closet of our heart, it is much easier to revisit that hurtful event; to go back and rehearse over and over again what happened to you. Rehearsing an offence feeds and strengthens bitterness and self-pity and perpetuates the “victim” mentality.
Ultimately, we become offensive ourselves. This bitterness keeps our pain alive to the point that we may find ourselves wanting to inflict that same hurt on others.
But Jesus is clearly telling us that withholding forgiveness cuts off that relational flow of God’s mercy that we all so desperately need. We become like a ship cut loose from its anchor—drifting aimlessly and without hope on a sea of bitterness and anger.
Forgiveness and love are like Siamese twins. They can never be separated. Loving someone you have forgiven may be difficult, but true forgiveness will make such a sacrifice. True forgiveness breaks down walls and ushers love into our hearts; it builds bridges, not walls.
“But this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.” Philippians 3:13
