SANITY AND HAPPINESS ARE AN IMPOSSIBLE COMBINATION

"As you get older, you still seek the meaning of life, but it becomes more important to seek it in good company and in pleasant places and with 4 o-clock cocktails." - Robert Brault

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CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO CONNECT WITH THE WORLD

In response to my previous post about my take on post-breakup, I'm listing out 10 things you got to do during that mournful period.

Here's the list --

1. Get off your butt and get out of the house.
Being weepy is not sexy. Instead, go run or swim and perform anything that does not include sitting on your couch and moping. Uh, check.

2. Get a gym membership.
Oh yea, signing on to Pilates does get my mind off things. Because the reformer itself makes me want to die rather than wondering if I'm going to die alone. Check.

3. Improve your brain.
Warped with work and re-watching old classics makes me mad. So mad that I'm not sane enough to miss anybody. Check.

4. Get caught up on your reading list.
Remember that new year's resolution that you've written some time ago and never got down to relief them? Well here's the time to do it. But screw Straits Times. Check.

5. Go out with your friends.
So much that I don't even have time for myself and hanging out with me requires advanced booking. (Y) I'm just kidding, so you know. Check.

6. Start a diary and see your therapist again.
I've started like 4 diaries so far, all of which have yet to continue. Okay, I'm restarting on Day 1. Dear Diary. Organizing the mess of my life keeps my lifestyle in check. Sorting out my emotions makes me feel like my life is making sense again. So, check.

7. Obsess about your friends' problems instead.
Okay, this probably isn't healthy. But this helps renewing your friendship and get your mind off your own problems. Talking about killing two birds with a stone. Check.

8. Start hunting for new places to chillax.
All that cafes and secret hideouts that I've been visiting... oh yeah. You can sip on your Earl Grey whilst thinking about your next script idea. Life hasn't been this good. Check.

9. Create new music playlists.
Loud music that kills your ears with too much power and awesomeness. Music that makes you want to kill someone. Music that makes you want to run even faster or skip even more. Music that makes you so mad that you forget about being mad at yourself for making the wrong decisions. Check.

10. Start dating other people.
Well... Check.

AND SUCH IS LIFE

When you're in your teens --

Hanging out: Given that The School generally arrange the get-togethers for you and your girlies, there is little or virtually no planning and stressing on your part. Everything, from gossipping at the hall's backstage with watching horror flicks accompanied with canned clams - is free, exciting, and the best thing you've ever done. When you're 13, even a trip to the neighborhood mall for some neoprints and student-discounted movies, is enough to thrill you. And you are absolutely sure that you guys are going to be Best Friends Forever.

Growing Old: Adding numbers to your age during this time is a pretty strange feeling. You learn things like falling in love for the first time, competing with results and the class you end up with, exchanging handwritten letters that gossip about the bitch that stole your crush. Some advance pretty fast, some not. Even a few months' difference in advancement can seem like years. Like if one of you happens to stop liking Green Day before the other one has fully moved on to Nine Inch Nails. Well, things are not going well, but you are still certain that you are still going to be Best Friends Forever.

Saying Goodbye: Breaking up with a friend at 16 is actually pretty impactful and profound. This is the age when you start to understand concepts like loss, remorse, and longing, all while sitting in front of your television and missing having someone to watch it with you. If they graduate into a college whilst you chose your path in a diploma, it's like a huge part of you just disappeared overnight. And you have to re-learn to do everything without them, and learn to make new friends. The friends we lose during this phase of life often stick with us all our lives, kept as a perfect, nostalgic image of something truly innocent and happy. Best Friends Forever now no longer applies.


Now, when you're in your twenties --

Hanging Out: It really depends on how well you're doing - and this could vary from "Sushi Tei is gonna be my most expensive meal of the year" to "For the salary I'm making, I deserve some fine dining, baby". There are so many things friends will end up doing... or not doing. Your favorite hangout buddy might even change. And hanging out on a regular basis now requires planning, organization, and time. And the ability to sacrifice and travel all the way down to the other person's apartment. Suddenly weeding out which friends who are not worth it becomes all too easy especially when they live across the city.

Growing Old: Things are getting harder when you're aging with a friend who is not aging at the same pace. Some graduate a little earlier and got a head start in a pretty decent job, some got married and all your facebook feeds are pictures of weddings and honeymoons, which is totally awesome - except when it happens to your friend and not you, or vice versa. Either way, someone is going to be thrust into a new phase of their life and, no matter how much they insist that "things aren't going to change", they totally are. And they should. Life changes are important, and a great thing. I just hurts to see it happen and you're not all on the same page. Because you know some part of that friendship is going to end up left behind.

Saying Goodbye: While it can be anything from a huge fight you cannot get past to being too different to stay together, breakups are terrible. When you're an adult, you always try to convince yourself that friends come and go from our lives for a good reason. But having that someone who understood you perfectly made growing up so much easier, and having to face all that responsibility and bleakness without them can be extremely painful. Such goodbyes will haunt you for a long time, and you'll often find yourself considering sending them a text, just wanting to ask how they're doing, and maybe grab a coffee if they're free.


And such is life.

MY TAKE ON POST-BREAKUP

"Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are just better at hiding it than others." -Will Smith

The best way to not get your heart broken is pretending you don't have one. Since 16 June I've been escaping and pretending that this breakup has zero impact on me... Trying to smile when all I want is to wallow in my blanket and sip on Earl Grey. I mean, I have like, NO RIGHTS to be upset. I was the one who initiated the breakup, no?

It's not like from today onwards I'm not gonna act like this fool again, but I'm trying to come to terms with it. One day I will stop numbing and escaping and deal with it. Slowly but surely.

Here's what this breakup taught me --

1. Friends are too damn important.

I'm too emotional these days. It's getting on my own nerves. And I'm sure my buddies' ears are bleeding from my excessive yo-yo mood. One moment it seems like I'm all smiles and nothing's bothering me, and the next I'm feeling all emotional and teary and empty and lame. But I thank God for them. Friends are a God-send.

2. I'm not a failure.

Just because my relationship didn't work out the way I hope it would be, doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm not a failure just because nobody ask me out on a Friday night. I'm not a failure just because my shoot didn't go as it was planned to be. I'm not a failure just because I'm feeling emotional all the time. My self worth should not be built on what I've tried to accomplish. Those things are temporary, and I should be happy and move on. You're as happy as you allow yourself to be, so why be unhappy?

3. We hurt others more often than we know it.

I've hurt my ex boyfriend so hard and so heartless. It's often not until things are over, and the dust has settled on everything that transpired, that we can see the places where we took a wrong turn without even knowing it. This is especially so when you're with someone for a really long time, and we sometimes take them for granted and treating them really badly with piercing words and action. But it's something we must not forget. And more often than not, words actually hurt more than any action.

4. Changing of environment doesn't necessarily fix things.

Shortly after the breakup, everything around me serves as a painful and unbearable reminder of what I used to have. And there is this desire to get away from it all. I start to avoid the places I used to love, find new hagouts, take new routes, meet new people. But unfortunately and sadly, the pain is still not going away. This small break from my usual routine (of visiting those spots, or even habits like receiving a text first thing in the morning) only help temporarily. But ultimately the change has to come from me. I should stop avoiding it or one day I might just burst into tears.

5. I might have forgotten who I truly am.

Staying too long in the comfort zone has made me lost track of who I wanted to be. I was working towards my goals when someone just came in and changed everything and made me complacent. When knots get tangled along the way, we often lose sight of what we wanted, how we did things, or even what we liked before meeting them. Then this breakup came along, and it serves as a splash of cold water, reminding how far I've come from where I wanted to be. I start to re-learn and re-love myself, to follow my own dreams. It is painful - but it does make you grow.

6. Temporary fixes are just... yes, temporary.

They won't make the process of heartache go any faster. No matter how much you hate to bawl every night when you wake up, when you eat, when you exercise, when you shower, when you take a bus, when you work, when you get home, when you're with your friends, when you're sleeping (okay enough), it's just something you got to live with every day until you're over it. Numbing it with activities, constant socialization, or dating just to date, are all temporary fixes to a problem that is going to have to be dealt with eventually. There is only so far we can run from things that exist inside of us, and no amount of pushing things out of your mind or pretending like they didn't happen will give you a pass from accepting it. These are lessons to be learned, and though they may hurt to think about, we can't just erase a big part of our lives.

7. I'll actually be okay.

I've gotten my heart crushed so many times. And every time it felt like the world is ending and that this catastrophe is going to last forever. It's like a dark tunnel that we wallow in, and sometimes we'd rather linger in the darkness than get out and move forward. But you know what? We eventually will. Till then we will realize that even this moment of pain has its end.

8. Love yourself and indulge in self therapy.

Whatever makes you feel good, do it - Dancing naked in your room, eating leftover food straight from the refrigerator, try new clothes and styles, adopt a new kickass hobby, get a new (hot) body and admiring it in the hot shower, watch any cheesy films and cry your heart out. And never apologize. Love yourself and making yourself feel good is worthy. This will repair you. You have every excuse to feel amazing.

9. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving.

Meeting friends everyday to distract myself from being too emotional is too tiring. Since I'm single right now, I should embrace this freedom and this new lease of life and learn to be independent. Love yourself before you can love others. Word. And learn to accept this new life being alone and in love with yourself. Once we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.

10. Love will find me again.

So what if one day the guy I'm seeing doesn't seem to like me as much as I do? So what if I feel neglected and unwanted? Stop worrying 'cos it doesn't solve anything. And stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right. Truly, lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along. Eventually all the pieces will fall in place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason.

In all, don't let today's disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow's dreams. 

This breakup has taught me that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. And God has been faithful to me, giving me the comfort no human can give. I'm Superwoman, I will be alright.